intro: I suffer from quite a few disorders... some may clash but i dont have a recent list of diagnoses, but what i have been diagnosed with by 3 different psychs is a mix of Bipolar, Borderline Personality Disorder, Disassociate Disorder, Social Anxiety, Generalized Anxiety, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Severe Depression, and Paranoia with delusions... I currently take 100mg of Topamax as my mood stabilizer, 150mg of Pristiq as my antidepressant, 10mg of Valium 4 times a day as my anti anxiety, 2mg of Risperdal as my antipsychotic, 9mg of Invega as an antipsychotic and to control my temper, 200mg of Trazodone, Just came off Haldol and switched to the Risperdal which seems to help with the paranoia and the thoughts... Haldol was giving me really bad nightmares that i couldnt tell if they were real or not... I have had 13 treatments of electroconvulsive therapy, where i lost almost all my memory and it never came back which is pretty rare i guess for the memory not to come back at all... its been a couple years... i see a psychiatrist every 2 weeks to a month but been having issues getting seen that quick so its been 2 months... i have a therapist as well...

after years of being miserably depressed i had a great experience, and with my memory being so bad just this past feb 2011 something happened i cant remember but i came out of my funk... and for the first time ever, i mean 1st time i felt happy, genuinely happy... it was the greatest feeling ever... i had given up on this dream of mine of ever feeling this emotion without that dark cloud there to eat it up.. now im so very negative a good thought cannot even process in my mind, and this day i was thinking positive and i thought im gonna keep this going... i didnt even have the fear of really bad things happening for punishing me for being happy... for once i didnt feel id rather be dead today... the day just seemed to go so well, nothing brought me down, nothing bothered me... i had made a great break through in my life the night before and i was so proud i know that much... it was something i never thought i could ever do... things were changing... later that night i had another great break through... i was making big foot prints in the sand... it was unbelievable to me... all this without illegal drugs or alcohol too... the next day happy again... i thought positive thoughts, changed my environment, was awake and alert and doing things, i cleaned my house, i do admit it was my 1st day on an increased dose of my adderall stimulant, which only worked for a week but i was doing exceptionally well... i had to separate myself from my friends who were really bringing me down which made me feel bad but i was just getting on my feet and couldnt handle a relapse into that world right now... i was way too fragile... i felt like i had cured my depression and i no longer had it... ha sorely mistaken...

i was having issues with stimulants and narcolepsy again like i have been for a couple years now, my fav psychiatrist was doing psych hospital only and i got a new doc that didnt trust me cause i was a high risk patient because of my past suicide attempts with taking bottles of pills which was years ago, and wouldnt give me anything... he treated me like some kind of junkie too, which he never had any reason to do that... so i started sleeping weeks on end, but i never cried or lost hope... i remained collected, old me woulda fallen to pieces... so from feb all the way till june i did awesome even though my life was falling apart and horrible...

then i broke... i came crashing down like a train wreck... me and my fiance starting fighting... it seemed the better i got the worse we got... my grandma got lung cancer and started chemo, i was told i have to go back to work, when i feel like i cant do it, the desperation to feel like i can live a life and not sleep it away... and me breaking hurt...

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So; I guess that I can just start this whole blogging business with introducing myself, and presenting my current issues; I think that's the healthiest thing to do. It'll give me something to go back to when I make progress, a check list, if you will.

My name is Jsanea. I am 19 years old.

I honestly don't hate myself, or my body; but I find immense amount of frustration and difficulty in seeing myself of worth. When I look at myself,I don't see ugly or pretty or anything- I see nothingness. I think that this really lies in the fact that I don't hold myself to any value, I allow others to determine my value, and my negative experiences with people affect me ten times more than my positive ones do. I've never understood that about myself; that breaking up with a boyfriend can have more of an impact on my life than having a best friend who loves me for years and years. I'm not necessarily even a pessimist. I try very hard to be optimistic, but 99 percent of the time anything I want to happen goes completely wrong.

I have a lot of fears. I fear the future; I fear having any kind of anticipation; I fear men; I fear physical contact with men; I fear rejection.

I am bisexual, but from what I've come to understand, my bisexuality is a defense mechanism more than an actual sexuality, so I have the ability to recluse from men and enjoy the comfort of women because as a female women are easier for me to understand than men are. However, I'm unsure about this, I enjoy sexual relationships with women more than men, and I do enjoy both, however, my reluctance and fear with men tends to be worsened in every relationship with men I have. I have never had a boyfriend who hasn't cheated on me, been emotionally absent, or abusive.

I fluctuate occasionally between being obsessive about my appearance, to not caring at all what I look like, simply because I find myself envious of my friends. I have the tendency to look at my friends' relationships with their boyfriends/girlfriends, and say to myself, " What did they do, to get that? I want to do that." For example, several of my friends have met their boyfriends or girlfriends through the internet or through video games, and I'm so passionate about finding a mate, having a successful relationship, that I alter my methods under what they tell me made their relationship successful.

I however, over recent times, have not have the slightest bit of success. I struggle with the fear that when men look at me,they deem me invaluable, not worthy of their affection, and that's why they over look me. I've asked out eight people, dated one, and been asked out by one. All eight people I've asked out rejected me entirely to the point of being impolite to me about it, the one I dated was only interested in me because he wanted to have an attractive girlfriend,and the one that asked me out as well, was only interested in propositioning me so he could lose his virginity.

Regardless of my fear, I do want to fall in love, and be in a relationship. I am very, very scared of it now though. I'm scared to be wanted only for sexual reasons when I am shy to perform even small physical acts until a while into the relationship, I'm scared to be continuously rejected by men I find attractive because I lack value and the things that make a woman worth their time, and I'm scared that I will always be alone.


I think that's good enough. There are other things, stress issues, and such- but, these are the things I don't know how to work on, on my own. I'm talented at evaluating myself, and finding solutions and understanding my own problems, but these things I've listed are things I will need help with... Which is why I joined this forum; to gain insight, to talk with people who understand, to seek assistance.

I hope my post receives a response. I'm anxious honestly- I want to know what I should do; I want to be successful, I want to see results, I want to be confident that I am capable of having someone fall...

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